Any and Everything

March 22, 2025

I have reached a point of stagnation. Well, kindof. I am tired a lot. I think that is easily explained but at the same time I am so used to being on the “go” that this isn’t settling well with me. I am by far not complacent. I think since we have finally hit spring break I will set into motion full blown spring cleaning come tomorrow. I know that will jump start me. Yes, I do think that I will do that. Because I absolutely have plenty that I could do to keep myself busy. I am just not used to having one class these days. I am used to basically a full course load. I only needed the one class this term though. I am definitely not complaining. I just need to focus my energy someplace.

At the same time that I want to do things. I have been out doing things. I guess I want to do things that I need done. I have found that I enjoy being by myself. It is funny I heard for years from my family members how they got to an age and just preferred to be on their own. A younger me didn’t understand. I guess I thought I did but I did not. I think I am finally understanding. I feel more comfortable with myself. More at home, if you will. Don’t get me wrong they had people, they went out, and they enjoyed life. But, they lived on their own, had their own schedules, and lived how they wanted to with no permanent ties to anyone but their children. I used to think they were just funny older women.

I do attribute their beliefs on life choices they made when they were younger. All of them had married young and had a whole life before I was even a consideration in the universe. I can’t say they had trauma but I do surmise there was some connected to how they perceived life when I was finally born. I can see that had my mom lived longer she may have ended up in the same mindset. I don’t know why it is like that. Most women in my family marry very young. I know I married too young both times. Both presenting their own circumstances of trauma. I don’t look at it as being damaged though. I consider myself evolved. Because it evolved me into a very independent person emotionally and otherwise.

I have plenty of issues due to it all. I don’t get close to most people. Actually, it has accidentally happened and I am still paying for that mistake. Emotionally, that is. When I was younger I would have obsessed over that situation. Now that I am older, I understand the value of moving on with the understanding that these things happen in life. But, the outcome that is happening is for the best. And let’s be honest, we are all human and some things we can not control. To dwell is to lose part of yourself. I’d prefer to not do that.

I am going to spend this spring break hanging out with the kids and just not having a set schedule. We are so set most of the time that this will be a nice break from the norm for all of us. A good time to reset. There will still be things that must be done but we can take a small breather. As we get into summer things are going to get a bit chaotic for a while. A lot of that is my doing but it won’t be bad. I just have a tendency to feel smothered by obligation. Doesn’t mean that I don’t do everything that needs to be done, I just get overwhelmed easily these days. I carry it well. One of the benefits of living with so much trauma is I fully understand the phrase, “Things could always be worse.”

For the first time in pretty much my whole life I can’t tell you where I will be in a year. That is a strange but free feeling. I am such a planner. It is nice to let that go a bit in a way. Don’t get me wrong I struggled with it for a while but I have settled into it nicely as I am getting closer to getting my degree finally. I would plan a trip this summer but certain things have transpired and it doesn’t seem reasonable for various reasons. I will absolutely fill everyone in come July. I am just keeping some things a bit more close to the vest for a while. There isn’t much to talk about in regards to that as I am not stressed about it and it doesn’t present drama or anything of that nature. It will be a change.

It is beautiful outside today, part of me wishes that I had utilized this gorgeous weather and got out but I really needed a day to relax and settle. My youngest has been sick over this past week. She, nor I , have gotten much seep. I feel a lot better after napping today. I do not nap very often. Even on bare minimum sleep I don’t usually nap. I really needed it. I have gone to muting my texts because I feel like people demand my time and that has been very stressful. I feel bad at times but I have to do what is best for my mental health. I am not joking though I will get sometimes 10 messages in a row and the notifications irritate me. I don’t know why but I can’t stand being blown up and not given time to respond. I don’t just not respond usually I am in the middle of something. This does, however, make me not want to or dread responding. I do have a few people permanently muted because they have not learned, even with being told, that I have boundaries. They think my boundaries do not apply to them. That is an incorrect way to think. I gave ample chances for them to regulate themselves and they didn’t. So, I did it for them.

Maybe I should get out for a little bit. It may do me some good. I am going to plant my “garden” this week. I am thinking Tomatoes, herbs, and a few others. That will be fun. I always feel so relaxed when I have things I can do to occupy my time outside of the house. I enjoy being outside in general. Well, it is inching upon the time I have to take one of the kids to work. So, I am going to take my leave. I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful spring day or what is left of it. Thank you for reading my ramblings.