Any and Everything

March 6, 2025

I know it isn’t Spring yet but I really can’t wait. It is my favorite season. Mainly due to the weather. I wish I could say that I have been up to tons of new things but that would not be true. I am in the stagnant era of life because I am teetering upon graduation. I guess it is because I am trying to pass time till I get there. It is coming. Very soon. It has given me time to think on things in life a little more. It is a good time to process my feelings that I may have put on the back burner. I am okay with that. I have always had the habit of compartmentalizing things. I will table my own emotions until I am ready to revisit them. I know that isn’t always the most healthy way to do it but it saves my sanity. A big thing is I do try to make sure to go back and sort through them, in my own time.

Let’s talk relationships… I am not ready for one of those. Not really, I am mature enough to know that I am not really good for anyone at the moment. I am too invested in myself. I can admit that. I am open about that. The difference for me is I have had 2 marriages and both have ended with me being a widow. It is almost like living two lives. Now, I am on a third life and instead of basing my life around someone else I need it to be mine. I need this time for me. Both were very different relationships and I wish I had not rushed into those. At the times though, you could not have told me to slow down, I would not have listened.

The first one, I was far too young and it lasted almost a year. We were together while I was still in high school. I even hid the fact that we were married from my family for a bit because that is how I have always been. It is like I live on a “need to know” basis. I am trying to get away from that mentality. It is hard though because I tend to be very “matter of fact.” He was a good guy. We got along great. Had he not committed suicide we may very well have still been together. He just had a mental breakdown. I missed all the signs but at 18 I had no idea what to look for. I knew of depression and had battled my own demons but I couldn’t see the demons in others. I wasn’t supposed to at that young age. I had no point of reference till after he did it. He left me with so much trauma. I was in a sort of shock for a very long time. I haven’t felt myself since the day it happened. I know we all change, evolution is necessary within the growth process. It is hard to explain though because I just never felt right. The reason he had an episode was not because of me or us. He had something happen between his mother and himself that he obviously didn’t tell me about. I learned a little of it after the fact, from his father. I still check on him from time to time. We bonded through loss and I think we will always check in on each other. I don’t think it is strange that is probably the one good thing that came from that whole situation.

I am older now and looking back that whole situation led to me trauma bonding with my late husband. Don’t get me wrong. Josh and I had a great relationship for many years. Or so I thought. A lot of it was about control now that I look back. He slowly isolated me and enforced his control upon me and as long as I did what he wanted things were great. That is no way to live. Deep down I was miserable a lot. I looked happy. Hell, I even had myself convinced I was even when I wasn’t. Looking back now, it was a legit trauma bond. The cycle within a trauma bond is just that, traumatic. I was addicted to the trauma within that whole relationship. I was too young I wish I had taken more time for myself. I think that is why I am so keen on having my time now. I have so many things that I didn’t work through back then.

I am not going to lie, I almost got attached to one man after Josh but that ended organically and for the best. I clearly have a cycle of falling into unhealthy situations only to realize it far too late. There are times I do think about him but that is natural. Would I change things? No. Nothing changes the fact that it was not the right place for me to be emotionally. Not only that our personal situations didn’t jive together well. I typically get enamored with the impossible. It is a flaw. I am glad I am maturing beyond that. I want to be at peace within myself. Those types of relationships offer no real peace. I don’t talk about it a lot but maybe it is time to be more open on that homefront. Especially with myself.

Did the ending of that hurt? Yes. But it could have been worse. It is weird. I do have emotions but it is like I can cut them off easily. I guess maybe it is the fact that I know life will go on and it isn’t the end of the world. Hell, I have experienced so many bad things and yet I am still here. So, I clearly know life goes on. I have had many people tell me how intriguing of an individual that I am. I always point out it is because I have been through so much trauma. It changes you. Down to your very core, it shifts the whole direction in which you are traveling.

I do realize when chatting with friends that I have so many life experiences. I didn’t really know that for a very long time. It is almost like I just assumed we all have been through similar things. Now, realistically I don’t mean everything the same but I guess I had thought we all have lived the way I have. That is not true with age, maturity, and growth I see that not everyone has the same degrees of life experience. I am not the most well rounded individual but I have seen and done more than some. I notice it as I am relating to others and we are sharing stories. I have somethings that in my age I have forgotten about. Everything that we go through makes us who we are and gives us something to give back.

So, while I may be “intriguing” I earned that the hard way. I have been in situations that have been amazing and terrible. I feel like all of them have opened my eyes in one way or another. I have had the pleasure of meeting some amazing people and the horror of meeting some terrible individuals. The difference is I learn my lessons. I will touch the hot stove but only once, if you know what I mean. Reflection has allowed me to go back and really think some of these things through. I have noticed I am able to make friends in almost any situation but it is because I have been through so much. I don’t judge people. I can’t because I literally have no room to do that. And I recognize that wholeheartedly. I find myself authentically interested in other people when I meet them it is very genuine. Yes, I could share so many “look at me” stories but I’d rather hear about others. I am okay with that.

Having said that, I am good at reading people. So, while I may genuinely enjoy connecting with people there are some that I just immediately do not care for. I am being honest. I don’t pretend to either. It isn’t like I will be nasty or tell them I don’t want to interact with them. I just limit my interactions and move on. Because at the end of the day I can offer them nothing of value and vis versa. I will say I have noticed most of the folks that fall into that category tend to be closed minded sheltered people. Well, the ones who haven’t really lived but think they have the right to judge people on their choices or actions in life. I dont’ get along with those people. Liars, I don’t really have any use for either.

When I was younger I honestly would give people tons of chances too. Not anymore, you do me wrong once and I’ll not be mean but you lose your credibility with me… I typically file that in my “do not touch” box and move on. I don’t think it is healthy to waste my time anymore. It gets me nowhere. Those types of people usually continue that behavior. I don’t want to be any part of that. Looking forward, I just want to be at peace and happy. I would say comfortable but what is comfortability really? I would say content but that isn’t really the right word either. This is all a work in progress. I suppose I will always be a work in progress, we all are. It is nice to have the goal of making tomorrow better than today. If I just accomplish that I feel like I got somewhere. It doesn’t always happen but it is nice to strive for it.

I suppose I am going to end this ramble for now, but I will continue it as I have processed more. Most of you know I free write these so I am just typing my thoughts as I am thinking them. It is my therapy and I am back to enjoying this little bit of time I carve out for myself. Thank you for being a part of it and taking the time to read them:)

I hope you all have an amazing day tomorrow and really enjoy your upcoming weekend!