Any and Everything

February 25, 2025

I have 8 weeks left of school and then I will submit for graduation, I could not be more relieved! The journey has been a long one. Today is giving us a little taste of spring and it makes me thrilled. I tend to get a touch of seasonal depression. I think it is due to the fact that I enjoy being outside and comfortable. Cold weather is absolutely not something I enjoy. I wish I could say life is slowing down but on the contrary it is ramping up. I am trying to not succumb to my need to withdraw. I do that a lot. I think of it as self preservation. The more people want pieces of me, the more I want to do this. I was someone’s for so long that it is my turn. I won’t give that up for anyone.

I reflect a lot on instances. I feel like it is therapeutic and necessary. I have come to terms with my parents. I suppose I did that long ago. My mom passed 9 years ago, there was a lot of unfinished business there but at the end of the day I am okay with it. It was the way it was supposed to be. She was a difficult woman to grow up with. She was not affectionate in the very least. But, she suffered a lot of things in her life that I could not understand till I was much older. Having me at 15 was absolutely not something that helped her along the way. My dad and I are good. We had many hard years there, mostly due to me not being receptive of him at all. In my defense I had grown up thinking my sister’s dad was my dad. I found out at 17 that my mom’s “good friend” was actually my biological father. All these people had agreed to tell me when I was 18 but apparently she told him she was not going to tell me. So, he took it upon himself to break the news. The mind-fuck of having that news thrown at me one day after school when I was about to drive home set the tone for our relationship over that next decade. It made me harbor a lot of anger towards both of them. Probably everyone involved in that whole situation actually…

But, we are good now. I have gained a different perspective of him. No matter how many times I was an asshole or I pushed him away he was always waiting in the background on the off chance he would be needed. As an adult, I can appreciate that. I also understand it more now. I am grateful that he gave me the space I needed when I needed it. He didn’t tell me to kick rocks ever and I was very hateful for a period. We actually talk a few times a week if not more. I guess the bottom line is I have reached the age where I am at peace with that portion of life. It feels amazing because for a time I never thought that I would feel that way.

One thing that bothers me and I was hesitant to touch on this subject because I don’t usually like to speak ill on people I leave in my past… is liars. I don’t mean people who lie about mundane things for attention. You know, the ones who think that everyone believes they’re tall tales but we all know they are just delusions of grandeur. Those people don’t bother me. I think it is because their lies don’t affect me or anyone in real life. I interact with some of those people due to social media. I let them have their moments as long as it does no harm to others. But, recently I had to cut someone I was once a close friend with loose because her lies were bordering hurting folks. Hell, let’s be honest, they would have ruined people’s lives. I can’t, no I wont get on board with that at all. Playing me for a fool is something I won’t stand for either. Doing those things cost her interacting with me. I don’t regret it but I also don’t talk about it much which is why I think I am touching on it here. Then to turn around and lie to people about me is unforgivable in my book. I mean she wasn’t spreading lies, I tend to be such an open person there isn’t much you can gossip behind my back about but she was telling people that I went off on her when I simply told her that you can’t publicly say a man is a rapist and stalking you without proper proof. She had none. That stuff can harm someone’s real life in ways that isn’t recoverable.

Well I decided to end that friendship due to those reasons. While, it doesn’t hurt my feelings, I am more annoyed I put up with it for so long. I witnessed that person try to destroy multiple men’s reputations and sat silently. I think the fact that I allowed that on my watch makes me mad at myself. That won’t ever happen again. Maybe that is how I can repay that moral debt. I do think we all are indebted to Karma. We reap what we sow and all. I do my very best to put forth good energy but I am not scared to stand firm when I need to. That situation made me uncomfortable more than once so I know I should have stood my ground sooner than I did. Again, lesson learned. I do feel bad for her because we were friends and I do realize she does what she does because that is the only way she can get attention. I prefer to not have negative drama as the attention that I am getting. Some people think any attention is good attention. I’d rather live in my little bubble alone as opposed to hurting someone else to get attention.

On a fun note this is my youngest daughter’s first year doing a fundraiser. I ordered several types of cookie dough, a cheese cake, a few frozen pizzas, and a hanging cherry plant. I guess I got excited. We haven’t done one before. I am kind of shocked since we live in a small town. I remember doing the ones where we sold wrapping paper door-to-door. Living in the world we live in now, I can’t believe our parents allowed us to go by ourselves to do that. Seems like there are so many bad people in the world these days. I guess that isn’t true we just have more access to knowledge about those types of people than our parents did. It’s a sad thought that some people set out to harm children. It takes away from kids being able to be kids. I don’t think I was ever home when I was younger. I was always out on my bike or just playing in the neighborhood. I always had a good time. It is funny we spend our youth trying so hard to hurry and grow up, then spend our adult life wishing we hadn’t rushed through those days.

This summer not only am I going to make it a point to go kayaking as many times as possible and to the watering hole, I am also going to take the kids to this fun water park in the middle of nowhere! I used to go to it when I was a teen. Of course, it is way nicer now than when I was a kid but I can’t wait to take them there and just enjoy the warm summer days. I could take them somewhere but I’d really just like to spend time with them. Quality time… but, who knows I will have graduated and I am not aiming to job hunt until September. I am looking forward to taking a mental break for the summer. Well, a sort of one because I do have some exciting changes happening at the end of summer. It will change the dynamic of my family unit. I am ok with it as it is a good change it will just be very different. The kids are excited. I will explain more on that closer to the time it happens. I am not being secretive it is just I want to enjoy this very personal experience on my own for a bit longer. It is the first time that I have been in this position and been at peace, not walking on eggshells. I want to enjoy it in private for just a little longer.

Things feel normal at home. I never thought they would again but the atmosphere is comfortable. The bad is a memory now, one that does tend to creep up occasionally but I think time has helped things settle nicely. It is true you never get over some things, you have to work through them. The tool that helps is time. Time doesn’t “heal” things in my opinion but it does help perspective. All of the girls are starting their activities again. It is like we all needed a break. Ava will go back to horseback riding soon, Aria starts soccer in a few weeks, and Alyssa is picking her guitar back up. The “pause” is over I can feel it and that is a nice feeling. I have always been that parent that believes everyone should have something they do for themselves. So, this makes me pretty darn happy. They flourish in their activities and I am so glad they are finding their way back to them. I didn’t want to push because I know I can’t make them want to do things they aren’t ready to do, things take time.

I suppose I had better get to some work. I still have quite a bit to do today but this has been a nice break to just get my random thoughts out. I always feel a bit more grounded after my word vomit. I hope everyone has an amazing last week of February!