Any and Everything

August 23, 2024

Well, I am ready to donate his things. I never thought I would be here I never really thought he would die before me. That was delusion and I know that. But, I am ready and it will be okay. I have been thinking a lot lately and you know I don’t have many regrets but the one I do have is that my children never knew a non-alcoholic version of their dad. I know that was never in my control. The older they get the more of him I see in them. I am so glad I made those people with him. They make my life so much better.

For a significant portion of my life he was my favorite person. I had a dream about him last night. I laughed about it this morning. He was chewing my ass about the brakes and how I should have gotten them changed sooner. I loved it. As horrible as it sounds It was comfortable. And he was right. I would give anything to hear him bitch me out.

I have decided that I am going to stop lingering. I did that too long when Robert died. I lost myself in the “I wishes” and “What-If’s”. Nah, I can’t do that again. I have children. I take that seriously. I know they know that this is hard on me but I am very controlled around them (benefit of having unaffectionate parents). I do a good job at hiding how I am feeling. It is terrible. When I said I compartmentalize… I wasn’t talking shit. I have always been told I am different. It is like people test me and I just don’t give a good shit… I really don’t. I have had people do things to me thinking that it would illicit a response… that isn’t me. And I am not oblivious, I just don’t see a point in giving anyone that from me. They don’t deserve any part of me and honestly I don’t have time to feel negative about anyone.

I don’t want to. I have never taken pleasure in others pain. And I have never wanted to inflict emotional pain upon someone. I seem hard… I am… I have seen a lot… but I would rather protect others from those things as opposed to expose them to these things. I am not naive.

I know me and I knew Josh I dread the things I am going to have to guide the girls through. I never tell them this but I want them to make better choices than me. I was a nightmare but my circumstances were different.

Most would think drugs and sex… nah, I liked adrenaline… racing cars, ATV’s, and impulsiveness was my thing. Not drugs or sex honestly. I get it honestly, it was a long running joke if you make it to 30 in my family you will live a long life. I used to laugh, now I get it. I’ll be candid since we are approaching suicide awareness day…

We have a bad habit of suicide in my family and yes it is linked to mental illness. I want to be brief I will go into depth later and if anyone needs to talk I am here. When Josh and I were dating I decided to play surgeon with an xacto knife. I was done. I hate having to delve back in but I won’t be dishonest. I didn’t plan it but I wasn’t crying for help. If you had seen what I did you would know that. The scars have faded a tiny bit but I am always honest when asked. It is part of me and I need to feel that accountability. I didn’t have kids then but now that I do I like to be reminded of the dumb shit i did.

About a year before Josh died he started in on me one night and tossed me around a bit before I got my footing. In my experience my saving grace has always either been not getting caught or getting away. I can’t fight a 6’4 270lb man… I never thought I could. But, I wasn’t thinking about the kids in the moment I took a whole new bottle of excederin migraine from sams, a whole new bottle of Aleve from sams, and 100+ hdroxyzine. I have no idea how I managed that. I don’t .

I want to be candid I have never told anyone what I felt. I laid in that chair and I just remember I was ruled an “Intend to die”. I begged the first responder to just let me go to sleep. Then the nausea kicked in. I’ll get deeper later it was traumatic but I was put in the ICU for a week we didn’t know if my kidneys were going to make it and I will tell you… my kids are the only thing I thought about. I decided then that no matter what …. I will never do that again ever.

I’ll be honest for 3 days my kidneys were failing and somehow that 5th day things were leveling out but that is scary. I did want to die in that moment but I wasn’t thinking about my responsibilities. I am ashamed of that I was weak in that moment because I knew they couldn’t rely on him.

I really appreciate the fireman who sat by me and told me he had been exactly where I was and he understood. It is why he is in the line of work he is at the moment. It is tough for me to even graze these things. I want to do it because It is time I let go. Bottom line is I have learned so much and I am so glad I didn’t die and leave my kids here to face life alone.

I didn’t want kids after Robert for various reasons. Took Josh 3 years to talk me into it and I’ll tell you what I will never regret it or who I had them with. These people literally make my life better I have the most fun with them. But I am not going to hold them back or be a helicopter parent. I enjoy seeing them evolve and grow into their own people. I miss their dad so much sometimes when I see that old innocent version of him in them. It is fun, though. I remember all of his antics, and he was a character. I was super conservative when we met he was a nut. The first time we went to walmart together he acted a fool. He pulled his sweatpants over Shoulders and hopped around…. this is after putting a bra on over his clothes and asking people if it looked like his size…. I bought my shit and left.

But, I needed that in my life at that moment in time. I did I was so sad. I just didn’t tell people. I am the same way now. I don’t tell people that but I am sad a lot. It isn’t that I want to be alone I just don’t know how to be with someone else. I didn’t have a “half” relationship. When I go in It is all and feet first. I am dumb like that I have had friends make decisions based on logics… not me… nope… it is all on emotions… I wish I could say I regret it but I don’t I have had some of the most amazing connections that I wouldn’t have experienced otherwise. I will say that if I told some of you the things I have experienced it is almost unbelievable… I like to keep them to myself. I don’t even blame my mom anymore. That is being free. I think I have rambled enough. I have had a lot on my mind… Sept 15 is a year to the day that Josh died. Lots of emotions surfacing. I usually do this alone, but I figured I would take you all along for the ride 🙂 Its going to be bumpy and fucking ludacris but it is what is. I loathe this is the second time for me is it too much to ask to die first? yeah apparently…. I try to use this all as a teaching moment but sometimes I am still mad….

I am sorry but y’all know I like being transparent this has all been on my mind lately and still is….