Any and Everything

July 30, 2024

Journal Entry:

Today, I realized something significant about myself and my feelings. I have pushed myself, and I was fully aware of it every step of the way. When I looked him in the eyes, almost the whole time, every time, I knew I wanted that connection with him. There is something about him that I am drawn to, something beyond just physical attraction. It is not just about sex. I felt this connection from the first time we met, which is why I retreated initially. I wasn’t ready for anything more than a physical relationship at that point, and I don’t regret that decision. It was the right choice for me at the time.

Love is too strong of a word I have not considered the possibility of loving anyone other than Josh. Now, I’m not sure how to classify what I am feeling. What I do know is that anytime I could be with him this man I would make the effort to, I drop everything when he calls. I enjoy his voice, and I know that I do not feel this way about anyone else. That much is clear to me.

I am trying to protect myself, to practice self-preservation, which is very strong within me. Sometimes, I do this without even realizing it. But today, I am aware. I am aware of the depth of my feelings and the lengths I would go to be with him. It’s a powerful realization, one that makes me appreciate the strength and resilience I have developed over time.

Today, I felt a sad it wasn’t linked to any particular event. It was more an understanding that, at some point between now and the future, I will likely get hurt. I have come to accept that reality, even if I’m not completely okay with it. This acceptance was something I had to reach on my own terms.

I’ve made a conscious effort to limit my feelings, and I’ve been quite successful at it. But now, I find myself feeling deeply and unconditionally once again. This is a flaw, it’s also a part of who I am. I’ve been hurt before, deeply enough to last a lifetime. I hope my durability will see me through, but even I can be broken. The version of me that people see now has been patched together many times over.

I don’t believe I’m meant to be alone forever, but I also don’t yet know how to be with anyone else. I don’t want to see any other man. The Deacon never asked me not to, but I just don’t want to. I only want to see him. This feeling is new, not brand new, but it has solidified over these past few months since I let my guard down. I would never ask him not to see other people, but I am human and I do have feelings about it.

However, I don’t want to worry about that. I want to enjoy feeling. It’s funny how I gauge my comfort around someone—by whether I can sleep. I just feel at ease around him, which is a great feeling. I’m always “on” around others, but with him, I can just exist. For someone like me, that is a breath of fresh air and a relief that I haven’t felt until him.

I’ve been through a plethora of emotions, and it’s been a process of working through them. I’m glad I took the time to really think and understand why I felt this way. My trip to see him was fraught with hiccups, almost making me second guess going. But I’m so glad I went. I needed to see him. I’ve never been with someone for “things” they have; for me, it’s always been about the connection and how I feel around them. I feel with him and I like it.

Why do I worry? It’s because I’m not a complicated woman.

I don’t form these connections with people often. It’s rare, and I respect these relationships deeply. I value them and don’t mess around with them. The same regard is not always returned, and that hurts, but it hasn’t changed who I am. Instead, I’ve become more careful. I’ve misjudged people before, and I find that they do not value me as I do them, at times,

I treasure these connections because that’s my nature and because I know loss is real. Those people who are gone taught me that lesson. I learned with Robert that I never want anyone I love to doubt how I feel.

While I may appear hard and cold, it’s often a defense mechanism—my emotional survival. Despite how I may seem, I am far from cold. I feel deeply and give of myself genuinely, even if it means risking being hurt again. Just know, if I get hurt I have already run that scenerio through my head. Doesn’t make it hurt less. It does sometimes make me feel stupid.

Even as horrible as things have been, I cry in private. And a lot. It is mostly therapeutic for me. I used to bottle things up, but I have not been doing that for over a year now. I have learned to allow myself to feel, although I am careful about when and how I let those emotions out.

I want to leave with this notion:

The most tortured souls tend to paint the most beautiful pictures.

I don’t like to think of myself in that category, but I watch people’s eyes as I tell them my story and I see it. I don’t even get halfway into my story. I know I am one of those tortured souls. I get it. Trust me, even that nonverbal acknowledgment is painful in a way. I never asked for this, but I will get through it.

I will admit I have a bit too much spunk in me to keel over without a good fight—literally and metaphorically. I’ll be joking till the bitter end. I mean that in the most loving of ways.

Life is Bittersweet. That is not lost upon me. Have an amazing night my friends. I am going to go imbibe and feel a little more than I normally allow myself because I better enjoy it while it lasts:) Good Night, Y’all!