Any and Everything

July 23, 2024

This past week has been one of the tougher ones. I really don’t appreciate that when I need time others try to hurry it along. It just slows my process down. I had to figure out why I was so upset. It wasn’t exactly the moment at hand that was the trigger. Once I came to the conclusion that I was so annoyed. But, at myself… that is when I felt alright with the situation. I can now move forward.

I started this post yesterday but I just needed a little bit of a break and then I didn’t come back to it. That happens from time to time. I am having a good day. Oh… Y’all… I saw a naked man walking down one of the busiest roads in my town yest… That was a first for me for sure. And not really something I would like to ever see again. It was disturbing.

I am going out of town this upcoming weekend. I look forward to it. On one hand I get to spend time with someone that I really enjoy being around. On the other hand, this could very well be the last time that I see him. I don’t like to think negatively so I won’t dwell on that possibility. I would just be doing myself an injustice if I were to not acknowledge that possibility.

No matter what things will be okay. I do believe that. I will say that I haven’t given any other man my attention. I haven’t wanted to. I am over entertaining people to pass time. For me that is just a waste of time. For the other person and myself. I am not looking to do that. I really have no idea what it is that I am seeking or if I am.

I mean realistically I would like to find someone that I enjoy spending time with. One day, sooner than later, these kids will have thier own lives and not need me so much. It would be nice to not be alone. Then there is an ambiguous feeling that I can’t quite put my finger on. Such an odd feeling. I wonder if Robert or Josh and I had been divorced… would I feel differently? Is it that the stigma of loss is shrouded by the actuality of death in my circumstances? I have wondered if that is going to make a difference in how I approach things here on out. It does, I think about things differently than I did before. I am not as bothered.

I have been through many situations in life. Ones that I am not ready to divulge here, not yet. Y’all should see me when I get to rambling and accidently tell someone a little too much. It is hilarious. You’ll notice because I will just stop talking, pause, and change the subject. Trust me I don’t notice at first but I do catch myself. I crack myself up depending on the circumstances.

I would love a break. I am just going to be transparent. I say that but at this point in life there is no true “breaks” there is always something that is weighing down on me. I know that others feel the same way. That does not mean That I can’t have. good time but what it does mean is that I know there is no true escape from real life. It is always there. Being delusional has never been a forte of mine. There was once a time that I had idea’s that life was Bows and Ponies That was a long time ago I was dosed with a hard hit of reality before I was 19. I didn’t really ever get to enjoy my youth in a truly carefree way. I did enjoy myself.

I do wonder how I would be as a person if my life trajectory had been different. I can speculate but given a living model that I do actually get to observe. I do have my assumptions.

I have been been penning this for a few days now. It is July 26th and I think I am finally going to finish this one up. I am taking the kids to their grandmother’s tomorrow and then I am going to come home and get ready to leave Sunday. I actually think that I may go to church before I leave town. I really enjoyed it last week.