Any and Everything

May 1, 2024

I was hoping that during this minor break from school that I would be able to do some chores around this house but so far I have had no time. I aim to make time tomorrow. I have a checklist I need to complete. I had trouble sleeping last night…

I don’t always talk about it but my PTSD does afflict me I just don’t always show it. It isn’t that I hide it our try to cover it up or anything like that. I have learned to adapt to it. I have so many “grounding” techniques that I have learned through the years. I developed an unhealthy grounding habit many many years ago. I would gnaw on the side of my cuticle. I still catch myself doing it. I have to really actively stop myself. It isn’t noticeable to others but I notice what. is left behind. I am trying to break that again. I didn’t do it for a while. I personally just have to take a moment and settle myself. I don’t know any other way to explain it. Sometimes I will just find a quiet place to sit and place my hand at my sides on whatever seat I’m in and touch the fabric. I’ve been doing it so long now I don’t even think anyone knows that I am doing it. When my anxiety is high I have sleep problems. I could medicate but I’m over medicating. I always level out.

I think that sometimes I get tightly wound before bed. Nightmares and night terrors are no joke. It is like I get it in my head I am going to have one. Maybe it’s the general anxiety that kindof initiates those thoughts in my head. Sleep paralysis is real and fucking scary… well the first few times it happens. After a few you kindof get what is going on and understand. I remember telling myself “this is just a dream” several times. It doesn’t help the feel of utter doom you have. For me it is like a feeling that something is coming. You are somewhat conscious but can’t move. I could barely get my eyes to open and I could never keep them open. The whole time I would feel like something was approaching the threshold of my bedroom. Something utterly horrendous. For me when I first had them my initial reaction was to try to flee. But clearly that is not possible. After 10 or so times I had more of a fight reaction. Fight what? Myself…. I knew it was all in my head but it feels 100% real when it is happening.

I am so tired but I feel another restless night is upon me… but I am going to try to kick back and take it easy. Besides a little twitter bullshit today has been amazing and I’d like to ride that wave to bed. 😉

On another quick note. My mom died 8 years ago today from anaphylactic shock. Today hasn’t been hard persay but I have thought about her a lot today. I wouldn’t say I hate this day… I used to because the day she died I felt a sudden wave of aloneness. We didn’t have the best relationship towards the end of her life but I still loved her. It did something to me to know that she wasn’t here anymore. I felt so alone. I was at peace before she died with that childish notion that time is aplenty. It broke me for a while. I just didn’t tell anyone. Now that time has passed and wounds have scarred over. When she died I had some of her har cut. I used it to make us necklaces so we always have a piece of her… I should wear it more often. I don’t feel that sense of being alone anymore. It still hurts just in a different more bearable way now.

Night y’all ❤️