Any and Everything

March 26, 2024

I have come a long way since when I started this venture. I started it far before I started this blog. I find comfort in working out my inner thoughts through this outlet. I want to express my appreciation for all of the comments and advice everyone has given me through here. I read everyone of them and I truly appreciate it. I don’t feel like I show my appreciation enough.

You all have been there beside me on some of my worst days. Documenting them through here has not been the easiest for me I have this terrible habit so sugar coating shit. I have really trained myself not to do that anymore. You can always tell when I know I am about to. I usually pause for a moment. It is to remind myself not to dance about what I am being asked and to just be blunt and honest. After so many years of lying and having to cover up my personal life… it is refreshing being able to just let it be. It is my evolution and I like it.

there have been changes in my life and honestly I am becoming happier by the day. I mean don’t get me wrong… I miss Josh more now than I did before but in a different way. I was processing his death for so long. I am sure you all noticed… I have to talk myself through these things at times. Well, y’all saw it first hand.

I can honestly say that I miss him from deep within my soul. But, I have recently been able to do something that I honestly never thought I would be able to do… I can talk about all of the negatives, even the beatings, without feeling animosity towards him. I no longer feel the pain of loss entwined with the pain of experiences anymore. I can separate him from his behavior.

The way I look at it is… He isn’t here anymore and it is ok for me to miss what we had. We were together for such a long time. We had so many firsts together and no one will ever replace him in my life. I gave my whole life to him. But what I can do is not lump all of it into one big pile. I can separate and talk about all of the negative without getting that little “ping” of anger at him. I am no longer angry. I have found myself talking about a lot more. Not emotionless but I am able to control my emotions a lot more lately. I like it.

I still have my moments. We were together for 18 years, I am allowed those from time to time. I almost forget what he sounds like and it is a blessing and a curse. I will always love him. I will never stop. He will always be the father of my children and I am happy to have a piece of him left with me. Part of the good pieces. The girls really got all the best parts of both of us. I take comfort in seeing the old him through them everyday. I really do wish they could have known him when he was sober. I wish he had never started drinking excessively.

That is all spilt milk now. I am always asked what I would change if I were given the opportunity to change things. I used to have a laundry list. The older I have gotten, the more that I realize the things that have happened to me… are just that, things. Without those things I would not be me. I would rather these things have happened to me as opposed to even someone I don’t like.

I don’t always have confidence in myself. But when it comes to trauma, I can manage and come out on the other end okay. I’m resilient. I realize that it is because trauma is all I know. From childhood well into adulthood, trauma is something that I am used to. I don’t welcome it, I promise you that. But I do not disparage, I plant my feet, and I stand firm. I like to attribute that to me coming from a strong family that trauma has enveloped our whole existence.

On a brighter note, I am very happy with my personal life. No more Gabe and no more drama with all of that. I haven’t written consistently in such a long time… the Gabe thing is really old news now. I realized what kind of person he is and I just don’t care for that in my life at all. If I wanted to associate with a childish person then I would find a boy toy, but, I don’t.

Hell, I don’t even know what I am doing. I just want to have someone to enjoy time with. Nothing more, nothing less. I have met a man that we shall call D. He lives 4 hours away… but we get along so well. When we talk it is like talking to an old friend. And I like his voice. We have video chatted and all that good stuff. Do I want something more? Again, no. It would be so unfair to the other person. I am not able to give my whole self. I don’t know if I ever will be able to.

With D though, I look forward to talking to him on the phone. I don’t talk on the phone. I actually kindof loathe it. I look for his messages every morning. I don’t talk to other guys. I feel no need to. It is a nice feeling, a different feeling… I can feel again.. I didn’t think that was possible. I thought I had a bit of a spark lit in me before but now I know I do. I am content within myself for now. That changes from time to time but as we evolve change is just expected and mostly welcomed.

Well I suppose I better go start this day. You all have an amazing Tuesday ❤️