Any and Everything

February 7, 2024

I have gone from a place where I am iffy about things to where now I know what I want to do. I have put a lot of thought into this G thing. I need to be honest with myself. This is only temporary and I need not get attached. The reason for it is… I rarely hold a grudge but those 2 weeks he ghosted me sealed that deal for him. At 44 years old ghosting is child’s play and I am not a child.

The way I look at it is I am walking a fine line with him because I see it… I am already getting attached. That will be put into better perspective after this weekend. But he picked up right where we left off but see… I have this grudge that won’t go away. My guard will go right back up and I’ll keep him at arms length. I don’t even have to try that is my normal reaction when someone loses my trust. Ghosting fucks with people’s minds. I handled it quite well. But then of course I am weak and wanted to see him. But my wall is firmly back in place.

I have had a good week that is amazing. I feel like it has been forever since I have had more than 3 good days in a row. I am getting comfortable in my role as head of my house. Not that Josh could do much with how much he drank… but now I don’t expect him at every turn. It is sad in so many ways. And trust me I know I have been asked why I am not bitter about all the abuse. It’s because he died. He lost his life. Despite what he did to me I loved him. I always will. Sometimes it is okay to let go of bad things… I am not hurt anymore. I can be honest about things. I am still processing everything in that realm. It is going to take me some time. But I don’t hate him. I couldn’t, that is just not who I am.

I can’t get the thought that he won’t see the girls grow up out of my head. I cry over the things he will miss and what the girls will miss out on. Now in reality I knew his drinking was bad. Even when he was here he wasn’t here. After being with someone for almost 18 years no matter what the situation was, you miss them when they are gone. You feel their absence right down to your core.

Well it is my bed time although I won’t go right to sleep. Have a good night my friends ❤️