Any and Everything

Everything above was written in the morning. It is now 10:21pm. Today has been a day. It is funny how things can change over the course of a day. G wants to see me and I have been wanting to see him. I am excited I am going to see him soon. That actually makes me happy.

Today was sooooo busy I am so happy to just be sitting down and enjoying the peace and quiet. I need it in my life in order to function. Sometimes I wonder if I maybe have a touch of ADHD not in a way where I think I need to be medicated… Maybe that isn’t it. I just feel like I need to be doing 20 things at once that is how I have always been. I do complete my tasks though. Most of the time.

“What do you do for fun?” I get asked that like 20 times a day… What is fun? I have no idea what I do for fun. I am still figuring it out. It is easier for me to answer “What do you like to avoid and is not fun?” Now, I can answer that with ease. Oh P apologized to me… that was nice of him but he owed me that because I didn’t do anything. I don’t know…this is why I am happy to be alone. I don’t need anyone and the more I move forward, the more I see that is okay. For the first time in 18 years I am making my own decisions and it feels amazing. I don’t have to ask to go anywhere and I don’t have to deal with shit if I do go somewhere.

I feel my bubbly self coming back. I feel like I have always been slightly quirky… I’m getting that back. I lost that when Robert died. I feel the stress at times and just calming myself really does help. I can easily get overwhelmed and that is usually when I get a panic attack, which I have not had in at least a month and a half. I hate them.

The first time I had a panic attack it was right after Robert died and my aunt wanted to get me out of the house. I didn’t want to go I had holed myself up in my sister’s bedroom for days at that point. She took me to Hobby Lobby. I walked in stood in an aisle, looked around, and it hit me…. Hard… after I gathered myself I remember feeling embarrassed. I shouldn’t have I couldn’t control it. I had no idea what it was until I told my doctor. I had those frequently after that. I have learned to work through them and I am so happy they can be few and far between.

I guess I am going to close it out for tonight and watch a little true crime. Have a good night y’all and thank you for listening to me ramble yet again 😉

t

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