Any and Everything

December 23, 2023

I got up so early today. It was nice to enjoy the peace and quiet before the holiday storm. Ava went with me for an early morning store run. That was the best idea ever. The crowd was nonexistent.

I have thought about Josh today. I usually do when I first wake up and before I go to sleep. I don’t break down anymore. Not in a while anyway. Last night I thought a long while on many things. Most of them deal with my extracurricular activities. Even I know when it is time to move on from something.

That is easier for me now. I have no problem dropping people because I no longer find myself getting attached. I did look into everything and apparently taking a lover after a trauma is normal and healthy depending on the relationship. I don’t really delve into that arena of my life but it is important I stop glazing over certain things.

I don’t want a serious relationship because it wouldn’t be fair to any partner of mine. I am not emotionally available. I don’t know when or if I ever will be again. I’m sure at some point I’ll be ready but it isn’t going to be anytime soon. It is embarrassing to admit I took a lover so soon after but I promise you it wasn’t to replace Josh. It was to feel alive again. To escape the reality sometimes.

I don’t feel bad because he understands where I am at and knows exactly what this is and is okay with it. So far there have been no issues. Except reliability but we both have pretty busy lives so it is understandable.

Today is a good day for reflection. I’ve been able to do a lot of that without crying or getting too emotional. That has been nice. I wonder when some of the bad memories will surface. Sometimes I think about those when my mind wanders. I don’t do that often but it does happen. I have to think about how this is changing me internally because I feel like it has shifted my whole being.