Any and Everything

It’s been 3 months and a few days since he passed. I can honestly say I’m growing from revisiting my journal entries with you all. I can reflect on how I felt then and compare it to how I feel now.

I never thought I would be able to take a deep breath again. But, I can. I thought the pain would take, forever to wane. It isn’t gone but it’s gotten better. I have been able to reflect upon aspects of the relationship Josh, and I had… the ones I didn’t want to.

The kids seem to be progressing forward as well. Things are finally settling into a new normal and it makes life more comfortable for us. We like schedule and continuity. We haven’t had that since Josh got sick. I know that is putting everyone at ease.

Josh isn’t a forgotten thought, but he is something I choose not to think about all the time. I believe that is when you know you are moving forward. I refuse to dwell. The more I reflect, the more I see… from different perspectives.

Yes, I’m still so very sad that he is gone and this holiday season is not making it easy. But, I also do not understand why I put up with the amount of abuse I did for as long as I did. I wish I had nothing but good memories of him but his alcohol abuse turned him into a mean drunk. I try to remember the good times and I do… But, then I remember the kids never got to meet the sober version of him. It truly makes me sad.

Our household is calmer now days and that is helping with us as well.

I feel bad being so honest when we are all taught not to speak ill of the dead. I don’t think I’m doing that but here I will be honest about everything because if I am not… what is it helping? It ,feels good to be honest.