Any and Everything

By

MsAshHole

·

Journal Entry 14

I want to go back and nag and nag and nag and nag. I know that would have done no good. But that is on my mind a lot. He never would listen he was always “Okay” and I feel like I knew better. It’s why I nagged so much. It’s why he thought I…

I want to go back and nag and nag and nag and nag. I know that would have done no good. But that is on my mind a lot. He never would listen he was always “Okay” and I feel like I knew better. It’s why I nagged so much. It’s why he thought I was a bitch for these last few years. Truth be told I took the Dr’s advice more seriously and that sucks. It sucks that he took took his chess piece off of the board entirely. I hate that. I hate that I love him so much that I literally pine for him. This morning I briefly forgot he was dead. It always happens when i first wake up. I hate it. That lucid dreaming always gets me. The;y can feel so real for just a moment. But, that moment hurts all day.

I have literally had to take quiet moments today. So many of them. I needed it to stay sane. Sometimes I have to blank out to reset myself from feeling the pain. I don’t want to not see him anymore but this is my life now.

No, Josh, he did it… he drank himself to death. Saying that is gut wrenching. Were we not good enough to put the bottle down for? I know it is an addiction. I hate addiction. It killed him. I don’t know how to feel tonight. I don’t know if I even want to feel. What’s the point if it is all too agonizing.

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Responses to “Journal Entry 14”

  1. craigparrish93

    Alcohol addiction is terrible terrible thing . It robs families of getting to remember them how they were before it took hold .

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  2. Clifford K Somerville

    Ash,
    First and foremost I am sure you did everything you could for someone that you loved so much. The wound is still fresh, it has only been a month since Josh died so you are going to have the reactions and feeling you have. I am also sure there are times you get very anger, and you should. Go outside and yell, scream, and cry, then sit and breath. Say nothing, try to thing about only how you feel. It will take time.
    I was told something 2 days ago that you might want to think about, “write your anger and sadness in the sand, and your happiness in granite”

    Now you name “AshHole” I think you need to take the “Hole” out of the name here. I really don’t know you but I’m sure you are not that type of person.

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