Any and Everything

I’ll never forget seeing Josh dead.. He was still warm. But, his eyes weren’t right. He looked like he was sleeping but deep down I knew he wasn’t. I even thought he may have taken a breathe but I was wrong. He wasn’t blue or grotesque. Not that I have some ideology that he would be. It was just a sleeping Josh. He was in so much pain. I feel so bad for all of it. I wish he had never taken a sip of alcohol. No one willl ever touch me in this way again. I love differently now. My eyes have seen too much. I’ve been through too much.

Backtracking is not an option for me. People tell me I am strong but what choice do I have? No really…. when was I ever given a choice to be weak? Maybe I’d like to curl into a ball and just be. But, I can’t I have children who need me. They need me and Josh left us. He chose to. I can’t sugarcoat shit! I won’t anymore. The truth is always the truth no matter what context we want to spin out of it. Just facts…

I don’t even know what I’m writing about other than my emotions. I am the only one who understands what I’ve been through. No one one can give me the comfort I give myself. We are born alone and we die alone, that is more true than we like to admit. One day, I’ll be gone, and the girls will only have each other. I hate that I hoped Josh would be a mean old man who kept them straight. Now, all they have are memories soaked in alcohol. That is not what josh and I planned. I’m broken… Held together will some tape at the moment.