Any and Everything

What shall I be called now? The widow at the end of the road? How unfair that I have to wear that scarlet letter. And to be widowed twice, forget about it. I’m only 37 I can see the assumptions. I must be bad luck. Am I? I think I just have problems picking men… that is my fatal flaw.

I have needs… I hate the way that I grieve but it works for me. A song lyric that comes to mind is, “I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me.” That is all I want to say about that right now but it was on my mind. I should always admit these things to myself. I hate that I try to hold things in so adamantly.

This is one of those life events that change who you are. I have no clue who I’m evolving into but I understand the necessity of that evolvement to strengthen my survival. I just loathe this has happened… again… I feel hearbroken for my children. They have no idea that they missed out on a great person. After all these years of drinking I don’t honestly know if they did. Alcohol changed him.

He became mean and bitter. I hate what addiction did to my family. I can hate all I want but I can’t change what has happened. It kills me. How many years did I beg him to get help? Part of me thought that Josh would outlive us all. I suppose he kindof will through our kids.

Every time I look at my kids I am reminded of how much I’ve loved him and how much he left behind. Time will make is easier but it will never be “better” that ails me eternally. We have compilled years of memories and now I’m the sole keeper of those. I don’t want that weight.

I was robbed by you Josh. You robbed me of it all. You robbed the girls. These things must be vocalized because I am angry at him. I am so mad that I see red. He promised me he would never kill himself but that is what he did. SLowly. But on purpose because he was warned by doctors for years.

I know. I will heal but there will always be a piece of me missing, unfinished business if you will. Always, I often wonder how he must have felt to know you are going to die. My heart breaks thinking of how frightening that would be. My only fear as far as death goes is leaving my children here alone. One day as they mature and get older that fear will fade.

I hope there is something beyond here but I’ll not know till I get there. By then it is too late to go back either way.

I’ve often put myself in Robert’s shoes but I could never pull the trigger. I don’t know how he brought himself to do it honestly. Just like I can’t wrap my mind around alcohol being more important than family but in In some cases it is. Addiction seems to win more than not.